I love you because…

In my last blog post, I mentioned that I would do a whole post on our definitions of love and what I’ve been thinking about them. Well, this is that post. It all started with some feelings I expressed a while back, and a friend saying “you are loved because of who you are, not what you contribute,” in response. I realized I really needed to sit with that.

There are so many things that we are struggling with this year. One of them for me, has been, feeling like I am no longer valuable in relationships.

I think a lot of it has to do with depression – this seems to be something pretty consistent for those struggling with it. You feel like you’re failing at everything and letting everyone down. And each day is committed to proving to people, mostly yourself, that you are valuable. Lovable. Worthy of not being abandoned. At least that’s what most days feel like for me – I am hardly the authority on depression and people’s lived experiences. 

But it really got me thinking about the way we talk about love and value. 
From the time we are young, we are told that we don’t know what love is. Then, when we finally are taken seriously enough for someone to believe us, we are immediately asked “why do you love them?” And typically meet it with a response of “I love them because…”

We also ask this of each other. 

“I love you because you make me feel safe, you’re smart, you’re funny, you’re kind, etc.” We want to share all these beautiful things about our loved ones with them. We also want to hear what it is that our loved ones love about us.

I always enjoy hearing Justin list of the reasons he loves me. It makes me feel good – and I think that’s pretty common of humans.

What really struck me this year is that I have subconsciously assigned my value to these things. I have assigned my lovability to these things. 

For me, I’ve been consistently told that I am a good support for people. I’m a good listener, a good sounding board, a good advice giver. As an enneagram 2, making people feel good – and really being there for people – is a main driver in my life. I commonly think of others before myself and make decisions based more on how they will affect other people than how they will affect me. I won’t assign “good” or “bad” to that, it just is what it is. 

I care that I make people feel heard, understood, that I give and that I show up. This comes with downfalls, but mostly blessings. And it has come with beautiful relationships that I wouldn’t trade for anything that I might gain if I wasn’t this way. 

And, it has come with a fear that if I am not providing these things to others, there will no longer be a reason that they need me. It has come with a confusion that if I am not needed, I am not wanted. Not loved. That’s really gunna fuck me up in motherhood BIG TIME. 

When I first met Justin, he always told me he loved my big heart, that I always see the good in people, and am a bright light in the world. He loved that I move my body any time music is playing (can’t help it) and that being  around me just felt like happiness.

Struggling with depression this year (along with going through first year of motherhood, going back to work with my infant still at home, navigating a pandemic, etc) has meant I do not have the capacity to live life the way I “normally” would. That includes not having the capacity to show up for other people in the way I usually do. I constantly feel like I’m failing everything and everyone because of it. 

The political climate, fights about pandemic navigation, and bouts of rage that have come along with it (if you struggle with depression you might relate to the rage part especially) have not always made it easy to practice my default of seeing the good in people. All these things combined have definitely not made me much of a bright light.

So when I think of the things my friends/family say about me, and the things Justin has always said about me, and I realize that I am existing at less than half capacity for all of it, it results in me wondering if there is anything valuable about me. Why would anyone even want me in their life? I know that’s fucked up and I know in my heart that I am valuable, but this is a thought that takes over at least once every.single.day. And it takes a lot of work to snap myself out of it.

 
I do not take this next statement lightly, and I contemplated whether or not to say it, mostly because I don’t want anyone (especially my mom) to worry about me after reading this. I also hesitate because I do not want it to come off as making a claim or generalization about something very serious. But I also think saying it can maybe make someone feel less alone, or a bit more understood. And if I can do that, I think it’s important to try, even if I don’t get it exactly right (but I’m going to try very hard).

For me, the thought pattern that accompanies “I am not valuable” goes something like this:

“Why am I even here?”

“Do I even matter?”

“Would everyone be better off without me?” 

I think you know where I am going with this. Although I have never truly considered taking my own life, I somewhat understand the thought patterns that lead people to that place. I understand thinking things are true…that in a better state of mind…you know are not true. I am lucky that I have never been to the depths of the darkness that can exist in one’s mind. 

When I hear people say “I can’t understand why anyone would ever take their own life…” Well…I can…

Not that I ever would or am at risk (please don’t worry about me) or have ever thought about it past those fleeting thoughts in the height of my emotional reactions…but I can at least begin to understand how it happens. 

And it’s not because I am strong or smart or aware, or that I think about others and all I have to live for, it’s because I am lucky. And I have resources that I know about, can afford, and can turn to in order to give me the tools to stay in the shallow end of the darkness pool. I am also lucky that my mind has just not gone there. I think a common misconception about depression is that people could just have better control of their thoughts. It just doesn’t work like that. It’s so much more complex than that. 

Fortunately, I have the best partner I could ever imagine who I literally could not imagine my life without. And he’s just…been there. He’s been there and he’s trusted me and he’s reminded me of the truth when I couldn’t see it. He reminded me that just because I don’t feel bright, it doesn’t mean I’m not bright. He’s reminded me that I also don’t always have to BE bright – all lightbulbs need changed at some point. 

But man, I realize how lucky I am to have someone who just lets me be who I am and experience very dark and heavy things without being afraid of them or of me. That he takes me seriously and just…gosh…he just really trusts me. He’s singlehandedly changed the definition of trust for me. I never thought about it like I do now. He knows I will get through it. And he’s never, not one time, not for one single second made me feel bad about it. 

A few years ago I struggled with depression and we did not navigate it so well (either of us) and we learned a lot from that. I gained tools, he gained understanding, and I think it made this deep bout with it so much easier this time around.

This time around, I’ve needed him more than ever. And I appreciate him so much. He’s never doubted my value or my worth, and when I’ve told him “I’m afraid all the reasons you fell in love with me are gone, and you aren’t going to want to be with me anymore,” he’s reminded me that they are not gone. And even if they were, they’re not why he loves me. He loves me bc I’m me. And I’m the same me I’ve always been, even when I’m struggling. 

He loves me because of who I am, not what I contribute.

 
This brings me back to my initial thought that inspired my desire to write this entry. How can we express that we love each other without relying so heavily on “reasons” for that love? How can we get better about not tying these reasons to worthiness of that love? 

Does everyone think about their strengths this way? That without them, they aren’t valuable or lovable, or is this just the type two, gemini, ENFP, words of affirmation, blue (true colors), sappy AF, EMO weirdo in me?

How can I teach Theo that I love him because he is him, not because he is *insert all his strengths here,* and that everyone else will love him because he is him, too?

If you thought I was going to give an answer, I’m sorry, I don’t have one. I think this is a super complex question and I am not asking it to myself to necessarily come up with an answer, but I do hope it will make me more mindful. 

More mindful to articulate the difference when I can, and where it makes sense. To always consider how I speak about love to others, and  how I speak about their strengths to them. Maybe this is a personality thing and not a learned thing, but if it can be learned, it can certainly be unlearned, or never taught. 

Maybe you are more confused than ever at this point. And if so, I say, welcome to my brain. It’s a helluva place to live 🙂 

Take care of yourself,

Devin

(I'm not sure why I turned this into a letter signed by me, but it felt right, so just go with it).