A few weeks ago I bought a self-supporting ballet barre from amazon, with the full intent of starting my Pure Barre workouts again. I signed up for the on-demand service and was excited to get back to a workout that I love and know works. I knew it would be a good compliment to the Peloton workouts I (sometimes) do.
A little over a year and a half ago, I was a Pure Barre instructor. And a good one, if I do say so myself. Fitness instruction in this way was something that naturally fit into a lot of aspects of my personality, and over the 4 years I was on the mic, I really found confidence in my ability to motivate women to be their strongest selves.
I stepped away once teaching became physically too much for me during my pregnancy. 4 months after I gave birth, the world shut down. Not only have I not taught a barre class, I haven’t taken one.
For so long I didn’t have the motivation. Then once I found motivation to work out, I couldn’t bring myself to do virtual classes. One reason being I didn’t want to pay for two subscriptions (peloton and PB), the other being I was mortified by the thought of my instructor friends seeing how my body has changed and how progressively weaker it has become.
Going from my physically strongest, most fit adult self right before I got pregnant, to my physically weakest and least fit adult self postpartum has been…a LOT. I’ve been working hard on carving out time to support my mental health, and although I know physical + mental are SO intertwined – and exercise absolutely helps my depression – finding the motivation for it has been almost impossible. I’ve most definitely put it on the back burner.
If you’ve been there, or are there, you get it. If you don’t get it and are kind of judging me rn, well I hope you never find yourself in the position where you do “get it.”
Anyway – enough projecting my judgment of myself onto imaginary readers that probably are not actually judging me. Self-preservation – it’s a bitch amiright?!
The second fear I listed I’m aware is very silly, as my instructor friends are some of the kindest, most encouraging, most loving and uplifting women I’ve ever met in my life. I doubt they would even notice the change in my body – and if they did, they would meet it with celebration and compassion. Bc that’s the kind of women they are!
That said, the embarrassed and competitive sides of me just really couldn’t get vulnerable enough to show how physically weak my once-strong body now is. I used to have to dig deeper to find new layers of burn – but now, I’m not even able to complete a class without coming out of and/or modifying every pose. For me and my ego, DAMN that is so hard to experience.
To go from teaching a workout to not even being able to complete that same workout is a wake-up call that I never wanted to receive. I know I got myself here, but it doesn’t make it any easier to experience.
Yesterday, a full threeish weeks after the barre showed up, I finally took my first class. I chose an on-demand class (still afraid of others witnessing) and it was only 30mins (standard class is 50 min). My ego hurt the whole time as I navigated constant modifications, awareness of my still-separated abs, and inability to stretch like I used to.
I cried when my husband told me he was proud of me and asked me how my workout was. I cried because it feels like I’m standing at the bottom of the tallest mountain, and I don’t want to start climbing because it seems like I’ll never reach the top. I cried because I’m disappointed in my body for getting so weak. I’m disappointed that I let it. I let it get weaker and weaker postpartum instead of giving it the well-deserved love and rehab I should have.
I cried because I’m disappointed that I focus more on disappointment than appreciation for what it’s accomplished and continues to accomplish. My body is still, two years after I got pregnant, providing for my child. It’s still nourishing him, even when I’m not nourishing it. And that’s incredibly impressive of my body.
I don’t know if I will ever give my body the appreciation it deserves, but I will forever stay committed to being self-aware of my feelings toward it, and work on improving our relationship.
After some initial disappointment, I was able to turn my attention to the fact that I still achieved the ultimate goal in Pure Barre – to feel the burn and shake. I changed my body when I took my class, with one inch movements and isometric holds. And I found some comfort in the consistency that Pure Barre fundamentals can have in my life.
It doesn’t always take a high impact jump. Sometimes, life requires small and focused movement repeated over and over, followed by periods of pause. If you’ve taken a barre class, you know that many times the pause – the isometric hold – the stillness – is the hardest part. The deepest burn. The strongest shake.
Sometimes it’s sitting in the discomfort without “moving forward” that makes us stronger than the forward momentum ever could.
So I will focus on the class completion, rather than the duration. The effort, rather than the perfection. The form, rather than the depth of movement.
I will focus on scaling the mountain a little at a time. I will continue to follow each “down an inch” with an “up and inch,” and eventually find the top of my mountain after a few lift-up, up-holds. Even feeling physically weak, Pure Barre will teach me once again that I am stronger than I think.
The Processing Pages 